Dr. Alexandra Solomon is one of the most respected international voices in the field of relational psychology — a clinical psychologist, university professor, and bestselling author whose work focuses on emotional life and romantic relationships. At Northwestern University, she teaches one of the most popular relationship-focused courses: Building Loving and Lasting Relationships: Marriage 101, a foundational experience for generations of students learning how to love with greater awareness. Her mission? To help individuals and couples navigate the complexity of intimacy, self-discovery, and authentic connection. Her books — Loving Bravely and Taking Sexy Back — have won readers over with their honesty, depth, and clarity. And now, readers in Romania can enjoy her latest release in Romanian translation, published by ZYX Books — a warm and insightful invitation to turn love into a daily, conscious practice.
What does love mean today, and what does this concept mean to you personally?
I have always turned to the definition of love that bell hooks referenced in her 2002 book, All About Love, which comes from the American psychologist, M Scott Peck. He wrote, in 1978, that love is „the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth“. He emphasizes that love is an act of will, a choice, and requires effort, not just a feeling. As bell hooks says, „Love is as love does.“
Slow dating, breadcrumbs, ghosting, gaslighting etc., are concepts we learn and integrate into our daily lives. How can we tell if it’s worth investing in a relationship?
In today’s world, we seek efficiency. We want „life hacks“ and we certainly want „love hacks“. Why? Because the feeling of „not knowing“ of sitting with uncertainty creates anxiety. And especially during. An era when we carry in our pocket a device connected to the entirety of human information, we have become increasingly uncomfortable with not having the answers. The only way to tell if it’s worth investing in a relationship is to invest in a relationship. Put both feet in and give it all you’ve got. As you do that, notice how you are feeling – closer to this person? More drawn to this person? Less interested in learning more about this person? Also notice how they are responding to your efforts–are they giving back? Are they beginning to invest more? Do they seem drawn to you? In love, the more you risk, the more you get!
In your book, „Love Every Day“, you encourage us to practice conscious love daily. Isn’t it intuitive?
I think love is both intuitive and conscious. When we are practicing love in its truest form, we are oriented toward kindness, curiosity, and patience. But all of us have had experiences that can lead us to become anxious, controlling, or shut down with our partners, especially when we feel misunderstood, ignored, or mistreated. Therefore, we need a set of skills designed to help us be mindful of the impact that our choices have (on ourselves and on our partners)… even when we feel upset.
Who exactly is your valuable work aimed at?
My work is designed to support people who are invested in creating relationships in which they can feel seen, heard, and understood… and in which they can offer that quality of emotional security to their partner. My work Is for people who are married, partnered, or single.
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We are born from the love of our parents, we are wounded in relationships, and we are reborn through love. Do you believe that we need to heal ourselves (through various means), or is it done through relationships?
I firmly believe that the arrow goes in both directions. Our commitment to our healing journey certainly helps us find and connect with a partner who is ready to co-create a healthy relationship. But there are aspects of our healing which can only be accessed within the context of a romantic relationship. Why? Intimate partnership requires trusting someone, and because many of our relational wounds. Involve breeches of trust, it is precisely the challenge of trusting another person that gives us the opportunity to experience emotional safety in the present and therefore heal our wounds from the past.
How can we change the family archetypes we inherit in relationships?
The first step is awareness. We need to understand the role we played in our family of origin, so that we understand our particular set of relational sensitivities, blind spots, and fears. For example, if I was „The Perfect One“ in my Family of origin, I grew up with the belief that I needed to be perfect in order to be loved. I likely have high expectations of myself today and I am likely invested in the people around me (including my partner) admiring me and thinking well of me. If my partner is disappointed in me, or frustrated in me, it will feel very threatening to the part of me that believes I am only lovable, if I am flawless. So, I am likely to respond to my partner’s upset feelings with defensiveness and instead of empathizing and apologizing, I am at risk of focusing on getting them to stop feeling the way they are feeling. Once I understand the role I played and how it has the power to dictate my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors in a difficult moment with my partner, then I can start to practice some “new moves.” I can remind myself that my worth is not tied to how my partner is experiencing me right now. I can breathe deeply to help me manage my defensiveness. And I can apologize for my behavior knowing that accountability is a sign of strength, not weakness.
From your clinical experience, what success rate do couples have when only one partner goes to therapy? How about when they both do?
The research on this question is unclear. What we know for sure is that in 75% of the cases, couples who go to couple therapy experience a reduction in relationship distress and an increase in relationship satisfaction. That is the same success rate as people who attend individual therapy. It is less clear what the impact is of one partner attending therapy to address relationship problems. What we do know is that when one partner changes, the couple’s dynamic will also change. But the couple may actually become more polarized or distant if one partner is developing a set of stronger and more mature communication skills and the other person is maintaining the status quo.
Is divorce a personal failure? How do we change these labels deeply attached to people going through such an event?
I believe that divorce is an ending, not a failure. We all know couples who have been married for 50 years, but unhappy for most of it. Why would we call that somehow more successful than people who let each other go with kindness and care? We all play a part in changing these labels. One easy thing we can do is this: when you hear about a friend or loved one going through a divorce, rather than saying with sympathy, „I am so sorry!“ instead ask, „How are you?“ We can also be mindful of how we talk about people who are divorced. Being divorced is a description of one’s relationship journey, not a statement of one’s worthiness, lovability, or dedication.
What is the basic lesson that each of us should start a relationship with (regardless of its nature)?
Be willing to again and again look at the reactions you are having to your partner. Be curious about the judgments you make of their behavior. Those judgments hold important information about your blind spots and relationship beliefs. Rather than judging your partner, see if you can ask for what you need instead.
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