Lakshmi Rengarajan is a researcher specialized in human connections, exploring how romantic bonds and authentic relationships form. Through her project, „The Later Dater Today“, dedicated to people over 45, Lakshmi offers insight into how singles can expand their social circle and interact with others of a similar age. With extensive experience in the field — being the first director of Workplace Connection at WeWork and having a significant role at match.com, the globally known online dating platform, Lakshmi shared, exclusively for paginadepsihologie.ro, insights and valuable advice about love and adulthood connection.
What does dating mean in 2024?
It means, first and foremost, that it’s not what it was last year, last decade or even the last 10 hours. What it means to date is constantly evolving, and the rules and expectations are always changing. This is part of what makes it both interesting and frustrating for so many people.
How do people relate to dating apps?
People see the apps today as something they would rather not use. They will but they will use them with reluctance rather than the enthusiasm of the past. We have come full circle in that the apps have gone from fringe to mainstream to what many describe as a „necessary evil“. And when the entire dating population is less than enthusiastic about this path, it affects everyone’s experience.
What do you think are the pluses and minuses of the way people know each other, nowadays?
For everything that we have gained with modern dating, there is also something that we have lost. It’s great that there are so many ways to reach out and communicate with someone, but that same advantage also means that people are overwhelmed with all the ways that they must be available and communicate.
Do you think it’s important to have a common denominator like a friend?
Not necessarily – a common denominator can be a natural and easy starting point, but it can also have people overestimating their connection. The best part of having a common denominator, in my experience and research, is that, at the very least, it gets people to slow down and take a bit more time and consideration with the person they are meeting. And this alone can make a difference but it’s no guarantee. It’s nice to have a common denominator but let’s not overestimate its importance either.
What are the positives and negatives of these „choices“?
As I said, everything has a positive and negative. It’s great to have choice but we have never taught people how to manage having so many choices. It’s literally a completely unprecedented aspect of modern living and dating.
What is it so hard for us to get our lives in order and end relationships that aren’t right for us?
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I’d say this is a loaded question. I don’t think we should ever judge why someone does or doesn’t stay in a relationship. It’s a complex situation. There are MANY advantages that society confers upon people in relationships both socially and financially. People are in relationships for a variety of reasons and the idea of what it means to be „happy“ in a relationship looks different for different people. In that same way that so much has changed in dating, the idea of exiting a relationship has also changed substantially. But I think part of why people stay in less than desirable relationships might be because there aren’t clear paths for how to find a new partner. And that fear of the unknown makes it more enticing to stay in an unhappy relationship than having no relationship at all.
Situationship, breadcrumbing, ghosting are terms increasingly used by young people. What is important for the parents and grandparents of these young people to understand about the specificity of the new generations?
These terms are not new. They’ve been around for a while. But they feel new to this generation or people who are just learning about modern dating. The best thing for parents and grandparents to understand is that progress often comes with pitfalls. It feels like progress that people are making their own decisions about how to find a romantic partner. But with that comes a lot of changes because there are no rules and an exact plan to follow. And when there is no map people will do and say things that don’t always make sense. Modern dating is a living, breathing and dynamic unfolding of what it means to be in a relationship today. Whenever something is changing or evolving there are going to be downsides too.
What is „the later dater“, and how is he positioned, in today’s society (and so quite critical, when it comes to marital status)?
The Later Dater is the person who is between 45-59 or also referred to as Generation X. They came of age before handheld technology, but they are also very comfortable with it. They can be divorced, not married before or widowed. There is a lot of diversity in this group. They are not on the same deadline as younger daters, and they are also not looking for simply companionship. They are very much looking for an exciting and connected relationship for who they are at THIS point in their lives. I created this term because I believe that we only talk about people in their 40s and 50s in terms of divorce and there are so many different reasons why someone might be single and/or looking for a relationship today. I wanted to lean into a more modern and inclusive definition of dating later in life.
What are the most appropriate questions to ask on a first date?
There is no set list of what’s appropriate. In fact, I think just tossing questions back and forth is part of the reason why dating feels so draining. Instead, start with the ultimate goal: the goal of a first date is getting a sense of how the other person sees the world and what they care about. Let the questions and conversation naturally unfold from that human starting point. If that’s the starting point, then a question might be „What holds your attention these days?“ or „On which online or social media platform do you most feel like yourself?“
There is a predisposition towards online relationships, to the detriment of offline ones. How much would it be advisable to get to know partners online and who should make the first move?
It’s not a question of how much online first offline and when you should take things offline. The goal of any interaction is to advance the mental and physical portrait that you have of that person. If that is happening great. Some people build great momentum on text and chat and then move to IRL when it feels right. Others jump straight to assessing the physical chemistry.
If you were to recommend three basic rules for a successful „date“, what would they be?
I would never recommend rules. Set rules and ideas of exactly how people should or should not behave is part of why dating is so difficult today. However, I would recommend asking oneself, what kind of person do I want to show up as in this date? Regardless of how it goes, how will I show up?
Finally, we all play a role in shaping dating culture. Yes, modern dating culture is difficult because so much of it is because too much changed too fast. We were given no guidance on how to navigate this new world. As a result, we have the situation that we have. But this also means that we also all have the power to change it for the better.
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